For Immediate Release-
MAN TRAINS FOR LAST PLACE FINISH IN NEW YORK CITY MARATHON. EATS PORK - DESTROYS HEALTH.
New York-
Thousands of runners, both amateur and professional, will descend on New York City this weekend for the annual New York City Marathon. While the runners will come from all over the world, and many walks of life, they all share the common desire for the best possible finish in the marathon; all except Jared Smith, Head of Security for Freeverse Software.
For the past six months, Mr. Smith has been training to ensure a last place finish in the New York City Marathon. "I knew I couldn't compete for first place, so I figured I'd try for dead last. The last place has traditionally been dominated by the physically disabled, although in recent years octogenarians have posted some stunningly long times." Said Mr. Smith, who is not disabled and, until he started his unique training regimen last May, admitted to being in "pretty good shape".
Mr. Smith went on to say that "It was hard work, trying to lose this much leg muscle in just a few months. I spend most of my time in bed eating milk duds." The rest of his diet includes pork chops, roast pork and pork rinds. Mr. Smith has also managed to avoid ingesting more than trace amounts of vitamins C and A, in what doctors have called "an insane and dangerous" attempt to have full blown cases of rickets and scurvy by the time the starter pistol fires on Sunday morning. Mr. Smith has also been using some of the latest bio-feedback techniques to keep his heart rate under 30 beats a minute at all times, "I get dizzy now if I have to use the remote. I realize this isn't healthy," explains Smith, " but I'm starting at a severe disadvantage, there are paraplegics in the race for god's sake. I need the edge!
To ensure that "edge", Smith has developed some unique strategies, most of which he will not reveal before the race, but he was willing to part with one of them - "Forty minutes before the race, I'm going to put a tourniquet on my right leg. It should be fully asleep by the start so I can get off to a spectacularly slow start, and then hobble along with pins and needles for the next mile."
If everything goes according to plan, Mr. Smith expects to finish, dead last, sometime next Thursday.
Many people have asked us over the years if there will ever be an OS X version of SimStapler. As mentioned last night on Your Mac Live, we're happy to note that a SimStapler mode will be available in our upcoming collection of video camera games, ToySight.
A screen shot is available.
